BEST PLACE TO BUY GAS
Royal Dutch/Shell
This one’s a love/hate thing for me. On the one hand, Shell offers the best value for your petrodollar. They put in some secret additive that gives you better gas mileage. No, really, I swear—I get like 100 miles more than if I put in some other brand. And my friend swears that she, too, has experienced this phenomena, but she’s a criminal defense attorney licensed to practice law in the state of California, so who knows if she’s telling the truth. Anyway, Shell is also a giant multinational corporation that controls most of the resources of Nigeria and has been accused of standing by and even benefiting from that government’s death squads and execution of justice activists. So… good gas mileage vs. corporate fascism… I’m thinking, I’m thinking! Shell gas stations located everywhere. [AP]
BEST CUTE DISHWASHERS
Milagros Food Co.
There is a never-ending flow of attractive dishwashers to this popular Paia eatery. It’s an amazing phenomenon, really. In fact, at one point there was even talk of a Milagros Dishwashers Calendar. When I worked there, we used to demand that the male dishwashers work topless after the super hot female dishwashers would work in bikini tops. The cooks were happy, though. And that makes for happy food, which makes the customers happy, which makes the waitstaff happy. Conclusion: The world is happier with cute dishwashers. Who are topless. 3 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-8755. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO SPEND YOUR LAST $20
(TIE) Paradise Spice
Moose McGillycuddy’s
Long’s Drugstore
What started off as just a silly open-ended question to add a little spice and style to the ballot ended up beautifully reflecting the state of Maui’s social life. If there’s a thread that runs through all three selections, it’s gotta be “convenience”—are there better merchants for toiletries, booze and smut? Given enough planning and effort, it’s even possible for a person to hit all three in succession—first Long’s for a little protection, Moose’s for a little action, then Paradise for a little “stimulant” to make up for the complete inability to get any action to use the protection. Paradise Spice, 1010 Lower Main, Ste. B, Wailuku, 249-2449; Moose McGillyCuddy’s, 844 Front St., Lahaina, 667-7758; Long’s Drugstores located island wide. [GT]
BEST PLACE TO CURE YOUR MYSTERIOUS RASH
Dragon’s Den
It happens to the best of us and sometimes, Western medicine just won’t cut it. Besides, who wants to take antibiotics for everything? Dragon’s Den features the most knowledgeable and holistically helpful staff who’ll be able to answer your questions, like “What’s ear coning all about?” “Will Gingko Biloba make my boyfriend smarter?” “What exactly does Unicorn Root do?” and “Does this look infected?” For all your naturopathic needs. 3681 Baldwin Ave., Makawao, 572-2424. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO GET A MASSAGE
Spa Grande
Spa Grande is where I imagine the rich and famous go when they kick the bucket. Yeah, it’s that good. Let me put it to you this way: You walk around naked all day, dipping in a mud bath here, or a cascading waterfall there. You plop down into pools of papaya, bathe in bubbling Japanese Jacuzzis and steam to the scent of eucalyptus. In between, your personal attendant scrubs you down with Hawaiian exfoliants. Massage? What massage? If you want a massage, save your money and go anywhere else for half the price. But if you’re looking for an all-day experience, grab some cucumbers for those eyes and go to Spa Grande. Located at the Grand Wailea Resort, 3850 Wailea Alanui, Wailea, 875-1234, ext. 4949. [EG]
BEST PAY PHONE
Ho’okipa Beach Park
When I was a teenager, the Ho’okipa pay phone was a listing in my address book. You could call down there and get the surf report, find your friends and see what was up on the North Shore. Today payphones don’t ring anymore and it seems everyone has a cellphone, but the action is still hot at the payphone by the pavilions. Plenty of quarters are dropping into this North Shore oral communication hub. Groms are hooking up, surf advisories revealed, party directions doled and secrets are divulged over this old black handset. If only it could speak… [JR]
BEST LINGERIE SHOP
Love Shack
They’re cute, they’re vivacious, they like to give you head massages with that weird wire thing—kind of like your high school girlfriend! Aside from their helpful and sassy sales vixens, Kihei’s Love Shack also has a wide variety of adult toys, videos and lots of lacey lingerie. Sultry camisoles, naughty nighties and oops!-there-it-isn’t thongs and undies in everything from leather to silk—and silver chainmail, too—in colors even Crayola hasn’t thought of yet! Ah, Love Shack—they had me at “Free 5-incher.” Kihei Kalama Village, 875-0303. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO GET A HAIRCUT
Paragon Salon
They have integrity, they’re innovative and well trained—kind of like… well, no one you’ve dated, but still. Paragon is the salon that won’t steer you wrong. Hey, that rhymed! No, but seriously, Anna and Kimber are hair stylists with a conscience—not only will you look fabulous when you leave the salon, but days later, you’ll be practically kissing your mirror, too. See, being the hair professionals that they are, they know that us lazy people probably won’t be spending the time they do on our hair so they sort of plan in advance for our incompetence. It’s a pride thing, but the result? You’ll be looking way better than you have a right to, while Anna and Kimber live with the knowledge that they have created yet another coiffure co-dependent. 1160 Makawao Ave., Makawao, 572-0141. [SC]
BEST RECORD STORE
Request Music
You know the cliché—it was best displayed by Jack Black and John Cusack in High Fidelity—Music snobs who think only in terms of relevant song titles, who work in record stores and make fun of your purchases. But while Jerry in Lahaina, and Andrew, Twist and Jerry in Wailuku, do know way more than the average Joe about music, they won’t openly diss your selections. Not to your face, anyway. They’ve got access to the rarest of CDs, albums and videos that they’re only too happy to order for you. And when you ask them an obnoxious question like, “Uh, who sings that one song that goes like this?” they’ll probably know the answer—they just may not tell you right away that they know. ‘Cause they’re sick like that. But unlike the bigger record stores, they do actually care about your burgeoning audiophile needs. 10 N. Market, Wailuku, 244-9315; 991 Limahana Pl., Lahaina, 661-8855. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO PARK IN WAILUKU TOWN
With the proliferation of two-hour spots and a whole army of crazed traffic cops out there with their chalk enforcing the limit, parking for an extended period of time in Wailuku Town can be a dicey affair. Have no fear—a great location is up Main Street in front of the Bailey House. There are always spaces, no time limit and it’s only a short walk down the hill into town. Of course, that also means it’s a short walk up the hill back to your car, but hey, you could stand to lose a few pounds. [GT]
BEST AUTO MECHANIC THAT WON’T SCREW YOU
(TIE) Lahaina Foreign Car, Ed’s Auto and Kenny Cummings
Having a loyal mechanic is sometimes more important than daily fiber intake. Fortunately for you, there were at least three mechanics who won your top vote, equally! Ed’s Auto Shop of Kahului won accolades when they moved their services part-time to the Paia Chevron. Hey, hippies have Maui cruisers, too, brah! Lahaina Foreign Car is still a hidden bevy of activity behind Front Street on Luakini’s one-way. And Kenny Cummings is like Lahaina’s favorite uncle down the street who, if you are lucky enough to know him, might find time to tell you what’s really wrong with your ride and then fix it with the love and care befitting of a relative you actually like. The trick is finding him and buttering him up enough to take on your auto troubles—the Sly Mongoose might be a good place to start, but be prepared to throw some wooden nickels his way! Lahaina Foreign Car, 632 Luakini, Lahaina, 661-8875; Ed’s Auto Shop at the Paia Chevron or 314 Hoohana St., Kahului, 893-0193. [SC]
BEST LIBRARY
Wailuku Public Library
The Wailuku Public Library, located in downtown Wailuku, is everything a library should be. A well lit, spacious and breezy building, the structure was designed by architect C.D. Dickey in the “Hawaiian Style” with high ceilings and lots of windows to facilitate airflow. In 1950, the courtyard was enclosed and now houses the impressive Hawaii Pacific Reading Room. Perusing the shelves, I found titles like Maui Youth Adrift: A Study in Juvenile Delinquency on Maui (1942), Paia: Evolution of a Community and Ethnobotany of Hawaii. Those are just the titles I had checked out, but there are walls and walls of books, documents, historical texts and recordings that make for a fascinating afternoon of browsing. In addition to Hawaiiana, the Wailuku library has a formidable collection of periodicals, everything from Artnews to Workbench. In 1986, the library, which was the first in Maui County, was added to the National Register of Historic Places. 251 High Street, Wailuku, 243-5766. It’s open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays except Thursday, when it’s open from 1 p.m. to 8 p.m. Don’t ask—it’s a library thing. [BS]
BEST PLACE TO BUY A DILDO
Love Shack
You know how it is. You have needs and sometimes your loved one just isn’t around. Or you’re really tense and need to relieve the stress. Or you can’t sleep and know that orgasms are a natural tranquilizer. Or you have a craving for junk food or cigarettes and realize that sexual stimulation activates the production of a natural amphetamine that regulates your cravings. Or you have a headache or menstrual cramps and… Okay, okay, you get the picture. The very approachable Love Shack people will be happy to help you determine which dildo is right for you. Or if you already know if you prefer rubber to silicone, representational (penis-shaped) vs. non (smooth alien dick), girth vs. length, then Love Shack is still the happy place for you. Kihei Kalama Village, 875-0303. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO BUY A SURFBOARD
Hi-Tech
I know this guy Chip who dreams of being a professional body surfer. He swears that Hi-Tech is the best place to go for his equipment. Equipment, I asked him, for body surfing? He just shook his head, shaming me for my naiveté. Whatever equipment you are looking for, imaginary or otherwise, Hi-Tech has the best selection for all of your surf, skate and snowboard needs. For the last 22 years, owner Kim Ball and his staff have been involved in the community, sponsoring a dozen events each year. They work closely with Maui board shapers like Matt Kinoshita and Bob Olson to bring the best surfboards to their customers. They also sell some darn cute Da Kine bags and those little hula ladies that’ll shake their booty on your dashboard. 425 Kohea St., Kahului, 877-2111. [EG]
BEST SAFETY CHECK
Ernie’s Kwik Lube
They’re quick, they’re reliable, they’re cheap—kind of like your high school boyfriend. And they’re convenient, too! Ernie’s Kwik Lube also offers a courtesy shuttle for their Kihei customers. You know the drill—once a year, you take your car into an authorized service station or vehicle repair shop and wait with bated breath while they go down their check list: Driver’s License and current auto insurance? Check. Properly operating turn signals and horn? Check. Godawful aloha seat covers and cherry vanilla air freshener? Check and check! Other safety check contenders you voted for around Maui included TLC Automotive in Wailuku, Haiku’s Toma Garage, Lahainaluna 76 and “an HIV test.” Oh, good one—you’re always thinking, you Maui Time readers. 300 Ohukai Rd., #C-207, Kihei, 879-3643. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO GET A MASSAGE THAT ISN’T A BIG RESORT
Pacific Therapy and Wellness
Maui is a health and healing Mecca, and is loaded with the finest healers of all types, especially massage therapists. With so many options from high end pampering, to top-notch services that bring the spa to your home, to excellent massage schools, there is no reason not to treat yourself to a weekly massage. Pacific Therapy and Wellness, with locations in Kihei and Wailuku, is an excellent place to get the body working optimally. The two state of the art facilities offer massage, physical therapy, and personal training. At the Wailuku location, I found a unique healing place to relax with a one of a kind, East-meets-West style massage, soothing music and calming aromatherapy. It was the ideal place to unwind, get back into the body and feel like myself again. 1816 Mill St., #104, Wailuku, 357-9335; 300 Ohukai Rd., #C112, Kihei, 385-4867. [JG]
BEST TATTOO SHOP
Island Ink
Maui Time readers have voted Island Ink the best tattoo shop the second year in a row. The bohemian nature of its Paia location just makes you want to come in and get inked. But it’s their great customer service, clean shop and amazing group of cocky artists that make up the heart of this establishment. My sister’s four tattoos have been done here. They inked my dad’s largest body piece, too. Now I may be a 33-year-old virgin when it comes to tattoos, but I’ve got big plans. My husband my protest, but full sleeves, big torso pieces and thigh tattoos are all part of the plan. Is it any wonder I’m saving my cherry for Island Ink? 100 Hana Highway, Paia, 579-9461. [JR]
BEST BOOKSTORE THAT ISN’T BORDERS
Waldenbooks (aka, Borders Express)
Are you kidding? What about… oh, wait—there aren’t any other unused bookstores. I mean, on principle, there’s Old Lahaina Book Emporium, Friends of The Library in Kahului and Paperbacks Plus in Wailuku. But they’re all used bookstores so I guess you’re off the hook for voting for another big box store. Oh, well. Actually, Waldenbooks, Borders, Borders Express and Brentano’s bookstores are all part of Borders Group Inc. As of recently in Hawaii, all Waldenbooks are now doing business as Borders Express, which means they are really the same store as before but now also carry a few CDs and DVDs. How convenient. I suppose they sell coffee, too? Oh, shut up. 2435 Kaanapali Prkwy, 661-8672; Lahaina Cannery Mall, 667-6172; Queen Ka’ahumanu Cntr, 871-6112; 291 Piikea Ave., Suite 122, Kihei, 875-6607. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO GET WAXED
Paragon Salon
Who says journalistic research doesn’t hurt? To write this properly, I had to visit Paragon Salon’s aesthetician Carrie Jacobsen. Somehow, I went from sporting the ‘70s look to a more minimalist Brazilian style in just 20 minutes. Not only that, but 10 minutes later she turned my freedom rock brows into rock star brows. She’ll take care of any hair situation from side burns to bunny tails with a keen professionalism that keeps your modesty intact and the pain to a minimum. The results are fabulous—no razor burn, no stubble and skin smooth as suede. Carrie conquers it all with a swift but gentle hand. I’m hooked. 1160 Makawao Ave., Makawao, 572-0141. [JR]
BEST PLACE TO BUY PORN
Paradise Spice
For the largest selection of adult videos—not including your cousin Ed’s house—you have to check out Paradise Spice in Wailuku. They have so many videos to choose. It’s not just about girl-girl or girl-guy or guy-guy anymore, you know. I mean, you have to choose from dramatic porn with plots, films that are all sex with no plots, fetishists, transgender or educational! But you know it’s all about the titles, don’t you? Like, Thighs Wide Open, Raiders of the Lost Arse, Big Trouble in Little Vagina or the winner of the 2001 AVN Award for best all-girl feature, Hard Love & How To Fuck in High Heels. 1010 Lower Main St., Suite B, Wailuku, 249-2449. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO SHOP FOR THE METROSEXUAL MAN YOU LOVE
Tropo
An upscale men’s boutique, Tropo is a little shop located right in the heart of what once was “Macho-wow”, now metrosexual-friendly, Makawao town. So while your own metro-man is having his nails buffed at one of the salons, you can be his personal shopper at Tropo. They have the finest in quality men’s wear—you might even call it “couture.” And if you don’t mind all that time he’s been spending in front of the mirror lately, Tropo would be your best bet for finding select grooming products like shaving kits, moisturizers and skin-care cream. 3643 Baldwin Ave., Makawao, 573-0356. [SC]
BEST PLACE TO BUYA BIKINI
Maui Girl
So I’m hungover Saturday morning in Paia, and I need to get in the water badly, but don’t have a bathing suit. I make my way into Maui Girl, the pinnacle of bikini shops. Debbie Wilson has been designing and selling suits for years here, and her service is impeccable. She immediately told my haggard self about the mix and match tops and bottoms policy, which is so cool. In mere moments I had tried on five different bikinis and walked out the door wearing one of Debbie’s own designs. The ocean at Baldwin beach never looked so good. 12 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-9266. [JR]
BEST REASON TO VISIT THE MAUI MALL
Paper Airplane Museum
Where else can you see 2,000 paper airplanes and a bunch of old photographs documenting the history of aviation on Maui? Located at the Maui Mall between the Christian bookstore and the Japanese travel agency, 877-8916. [AP]
BEST PLACE TO GET A WOODY (SHIRT)
Maui Lifestyle
While other stores on Front Street come and go like the flocks of tourists who visit our shores, some like Maui Lifestyle continue to survive. Since 1992, this humble tourist shop has sold an array of aloha wear, board shorts, sunglasses, hats, handbags and even the semi-infamous Woody shirt. ith lines like the ubiquitous “Get Lei’d” to “Nice Papayas,” who wouldn’t love to own or give away such a unique local novelty? Even Queer Eye guy Carson would approve of sending a “Show Me Your Rod” tee to distant relatives just to show how much you care. It’s the perfect store for the hapless foreigner who needs to get a Maui life. 658 Wharf Street, Lahaina, 667-0764. [RV]
BEST PIERCING SHOP
Island Ink
I love Brad. Have you seen those shirts that are in all those trendy chick clothing stores that say “I (heart) Brad”? Yeah, I think they’re talking about Brad Pitt but they should be talking about Brad, piercer extraordinaire, from Island Ink in Paia. Really, if you’re gonna get a big needle stabbed through your largest organ, Brad’s your man. We’re talking SKIN here, people! And for the ladies, or for guys who think female piercers might be gentler somehow, Island Ink’s Tammy will be happy to oblige with your new wannabe hole! Debra from Skin Deep in Lahaina was a close second, and she also has a wide selection of jewelry for all your pierced parts. 100 Hana Hwy., Paia, 579-9461. [SC]
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