Eh dirty liar car salesman!

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Eh, car salesman! I bought a used car from you on Friday, with a $5,000 down payment. As I was driving it home the AC went out, then the next day the alternator died. When I called to get this taken care of you told me, “you signed enough paperwork with us so that even […]

Eh jerk Front Street restaurant server!

Eh-Brah-Front-Street-restaurant-server

To the waiter at the Front Street restaurant who recently served us: I understand that you don’t  like working when the cruise ship’s in town. But not everyone’s from the ship. I’m from Kihei and was bringing some (non-cruise ship) guests to your restaurant. One of my friends asked you to take a picture of […]

Eh Brah! – Idiot thieves hot-wire a busted car

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Eh jackasses who tried to steal my car: I see you left it in the middle of the road on an extremely tight blind corner. This doesn’t surprise me. It was a valiant effort on your part, but next time you might want to try to hot-wire a vehicle with a functioning drive shaft. You […]

Eh idiot driver in Wailuku!

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Eh idiot who raced out of the Wailuku court parking garage across from McDonald’s without stopping or looking right for pedestrians or other cars: You’re supposed to stop at the line and look both ways, especially for pedestrians on the sidewalk. I’ve been almost hit three times there, once while I was carrying a bunch of […]

Eh brah, thanks for stealing my kids’ soccer equipment!

Thanks for breaking into my truck at Sidewalks in Kihei and stealing my kids’ bags, which were full of their soccer equipment. They were headed to practice, but obviously couldn’t actually go because of your theft. I hope you show some honor and return their stuff, but keep in mind that I’m looking for you…  […]

Eh Brah! Pay attention when you’re in line!

Eh brah: I was standing in line behind you the other day, but I guarantee you didn’t see me. That’s because you were too busy staring at your phone, texting or checking email or whatever. Was it that crucial that you couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to the clerk or the rest of us […]

Eh Doc! Waiting forever in your cold examination room isn’t aloha!

Eh, Doc! I had an appointment scheduled with you one recent morning. I woke up early, rushed to drop off my husband at work, rushed my little boy to take him early to daycare so that I would be on time for my annual appointment with you. I live in Haiku and it’s a 30-minute […]

Eh lady who almost hit my car and then yelled at ME!

To the lady who almost hit my dog at Kaonoulu Street and South Kihei Road: Yes, my dog got off her leash, but don’t stand there and scream at me about how “YOU would have felt” if you hit my dog. How do you think I would have felt? How do you think my dog […]

Eh Concierge! Think of the turtles, brah!

Eh concierge! With all the wonderful things to do on Maui, did you really have to tell visitors where the sea turtles haul-up? Is nothing sacred? Sure, you’ll get better tips, but at what cost? The sea turtles have it hard enough. They are not here solely for our entertainment. They’re trying to rest. And […]

Eh Hookipa creepers: stop cat-calling my daughter and me!

This goes out to the guys hanging out at the Ho’okipa Beach Park pavilion who I guess had nothing better to do a few weeks ago than cat-call my daughter and I while we were out trying to catch some sun. It got so bad I had to yell at you to shut up. Seriously […]

Eh rhythmically challenged Little Beach drummers!

To the rhythmically challenged weekend Little Beach drummers who absolutely can’t carry a beat: your childlish pounding ruins a beautiful day at the beach for everyone within earshot. How about practicing alone and sparing us your banging? It’s not good, though it is loud. Illustration by Ron Pitts

Eh arrogant organic-eating SUV-driving yoga teacher!

Eh, yoga teacher: We know you walk around town in skimpy clothes and eat organic. And that you have a dog. Many people do these things, but somehow get through life without thinking that they’re better than everyone else. You, not so much. We’re tired of you refusing to wait for a parking spot and […]

Eh Rude Auntie!

Eh Auntie: After dropping off donations at Goodwill, I got in line to buy a 99 cent vase. The man in line in front of me was nice enough to let me cut, since I just had the one item. But when I got to the register and the clerk gave me the total, you […]

Eh, Brave Airline Passenger!

I never got a chance to thank you, the beautiful woman who sat next to me on a recent flight from Oahu to Kahului. I really hate flying, and it wasn’t long into the flight that we experienced turbulence. I was scared, but we ended up conversing, and that just eased all that worry away for […]

Eh Avocado-Loving Jerk!

Eh lady: I thought you pulled over to help me with my brokedown car. But when I let you know I had help on the way, you yelled “What are you talking about? I just stopped to buy avocados.” Here, I thought you were being kind, but in fact you were just completely self-involved. Thanks […]

Eh Would-Be Thief!

This is a message to that tall, thin, blonde would-be thief who snatched the lady’s purse in Costco parking lot. I’m the man who kept you from being successful with your crime. Was it really necessary to cut me up like you did? You’re a coward and a thief whose days on the street will […]